Chapter 6 - Am I A Dirty Old Poof Yet?

Sharing a villa with a bunch of guys is a challenge. So much so I became on the verge of renouncing my homosexuality. Not because heterosexuality was seemingly so attractive. But when you hear a bunch of guys fart like they have gastro 24/7 - it kind of puts you off going anywhere near another man, gay or straight ever again. One guy farts particularly bad. Like as in 'wet, sloppy farts' and while people are eating. Another actually farts as he eats. He’s doing it now as he’s eating a stir fry and I catch myself thinking 'please just die, please just die'.

I sit on the horrible floral couch in the villa. I flick through the magazines. Apparently the boys in the Bronx like reading FHM and Ralph. There are pictures of women showering in bathers and talking about lesbian sex. One girl says she likes guys who are "fat and ugly", don't we all? FHM has a double spread of celebrities with drug problems. There's Ben Cousins and Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss and Pete Doherty and Lindsay Lohan. Cousins is quoted as saying addiction is an illness, Moss as admitting to having 5 lines of coke in 40 minutes. I'm not sure why but celebrity drug addictions are more entertaining to people than the entertainers themselves. I throw the magazine down on the table it lands next to the tissue box that reads "crying is ok". The tissue box is still unopened.

I go and read my book. There’s only so much trash u can read before u brain starts to smell. I read 'The Wind-up Bird Chronicle' by Haruki Murakami. Before I went on my massive 12 month drug binge I was a ferocious reader. During my binge I didn't even like look out the window a lot of the time, let alone bother to pick up a book. It was nice to be able to go back into book world again. U have to concentrate to read a book like that, U have to accept that a lot of it doesn't make sense – life being alive doesn’t make sense. I read one passage and it sticks out at me. It talks about a man flying over the ocean and staring at the surface of the water. The man knows he will never know what is going on underneath simply by looking at the top of the water, even if he went underneath he could never fully grasp the layers of complexity of the ocean all at one time. The man says people are the same, he says while we can look at people all we like we will never totally understand what is really going on underneath. I wonder how much I can understand about the people in rehab and their demons and their experiences and their addictions.

I wonder how much any of us, brought up on TV and billboards and wondering if "we feel 100%" can ever see past surface-as-substance and vision-as-reality. I wonder how much we ever really get to know another person or if it's all just smoke and mirrors and projections.

Justin walks in.

"How ya going man?" he asked me.
"Ok, u?”
"I'm good. How ya settling in?"
"I'm getting there"

There was something a bit different about Justin. He'd spent the first of my couple of days here looking and acting like someone with drug-induced brain damage. Something had changed, he looked like a switched on guy, and he was glowing a little bit. I'm trying to look past his surface. It think maybe he must have had a good therapy session or maybe the Bolivian Tennis has worked its magic again.

"Stick it out here mate" he said.
"Yeah, I will I think"
"U r an addict man, if uve been suspended from your job, if you tried to stop and couldn’t you’ve got a problem. Ur an addict. Ur brain is different to the average person’s brain. Do u have a mental illness?"
"Yeah, I have major depressive disorder"
Justin came and sat at the edge of my bed.
"Well man, I'm confident that I can live clean when I get out of here, but it’s going to be difficult. For me, abstinence is the only way to go. Addicts have to try really hard to manage a mental illness, we used drugs to try to manage our mental illness, but the thing with that is, drugs and alcohol make our mental illness worse"
He stared at me, he'd found an alternative to that cycle....there was hope in his eyes
"Why do you think you became an addict?"
"That's a big fucking question, dude" he said with a searching look and burrowed frown "Lots of reasons. Lots of things, I see of myself in you as well. Insecure, low self-esteem, low self-worth. I grew-up in a hippie commune, I had an absent father and I was sexually abused"
"Fuck" I said "and now you work in child protection don't you?"
"Yeah, I live for revenge. I've brought down some high-profile child abusers. Famous footballers, high-rolling bureaucrats, judges all of them fucking paedophiles.
"You must have seen some full-on shit Justin"
"Mate, 12-13 year olds smoking meth, Goth teens who run over cats with their lawnmower and fucking guys who masturbate 10 hours a day. I've seen some fucking FULL-ON shit. Have you ever been to a remote Aboriginal Community?"
"Yeah, I went to a place for work in WA. It was just like going to a third world country. It was surreal"
"Well, I'm part Aboriginal and I worked in a remote community just out of Mt Isa. I worked in child protection. Once I had to investigate a young girl who had scabies from head to toe, was covered in bruises and her Mum was the worst alcoholic in town. I really didn’t have a choice but to take her away. When I did, the town accused me of creating another stolen generation. They fucking rioted. I went to the local police station and had to go into one of the cells. Virtually the whole town was outside with broken bottles and shovels and knives. They wanted to fucking kill me. They started throwing shit at the cell. It was a one cop town. He came out and fired his shot gun. The mob fled, I jumped in my car. They saw me. They threw bottles at my car. They smashed my windscreen"
"And so I take it you never went back?"
"Nah, man, fuck that. I organised a meeting with an elder and he talked to the community. They let me back in. The mother got conditional custody again. And in fact, the mob eventually apologised to me. I worked there for another year after that."
He gazed off into the distance. This dude is tough and just, I thought.
"But in terms of here, mate, ur at the right place. I've been to other rehabs and this is the best one I've ever been too. You'll become a whole new person. You'll learn so much about yourself. Use your time here well man. I like u a lot; I see a whole heap of potential in you. Stick it out, hey"

I go for more walks, I go to the gym. I have been
manage to go in the same time as a guy named Phil, a body builder. It's good to work out alongside someone who is bigger than u, it's motivating. He's tough, but not aggressive. He's been alcoholic for 20 years. He lifts heavy weights while screaming "bad" or "pussy" to motivate himself, today he's reached new heights with "bad, bad, bad beaver" as he lifts 110 kg.


Classes continue. We learn about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. We have to identify what need we are filling with our drug use. I put down social needs, esteem needs and safety needs. Basically, I take drugs to feel good, fit in and to kill my depression.

Shirley asks how we can achieve that stuff without drugs. I write down in my notebook that thoughts control everything and if I believe I fit in then I guess I do.

People start making irrelevant comments.

The old cannabis addict says "it was possible to be constantly happy"

Christy says she feels like 'Bridgette Bardot"

I wonder why these people can't realise drugs aren't so much required for them as much as for the people who are in their company.

Sam puts up his hand. "Shirley we keep hearing in class how drugs are a result of a lack of something else in our lives. But lots of people here are confident and seem happy."
"There's a difference between self-esteem and ego" Shirley says "People have personas to cover up how they really feel about themselves. It is possible, for example, Sam for a person to be an extrovert and still not think very highly of themselves"
"I just think, Shirley, that some people do have everything we are supposed to have in life and it's not enough and so drugs are just extra"
"R u talking about urself Sam?"
"Well, yeah, I am. Nothing I have in life compares to that high I get on drugs. I've tried doing all the stuff ur supposed to do like getting a degree and a job and having a relationship and I still felt like getting high"
"Addiction is an illness, addiction is a coping mechanism. Addiction is about survival. U think u need your drug to survive, that is a cognitive distortion"
"But nothing I do compares to the high I get on drugs"
"That is possibly true, Sam, but as u know the high doesn't last. The low u get coming off drugs is possibly the worst misery u'll ever know"
"Sometimes I prefer to be coming down off drugs, than being straight"
"That to me Sam says that despite the fact u r a funny and talented person, there are major issues in ur life are preventing u from being happy. These issues mean u think drugs are the only thing that can help u cope. That's ok Sam, uve come to the right place, we are here to sort out ur underlying issues and we will do that and u will be happier than ever before"
"I just don't think I will ever find the same high I found on drugs anywhere else"
"That is justification Sam, that is a cognitive distortion. 90% of people with addictions have a mental illness. The mental illness prevents people from being happy and people take drugs to feel better, people with happy and fulfilling lives do not abuse drugs and alcohol. Addiction is an illness it is not the meaning of life"

After class and most of the guys in the villa shave their heads. I don’t. By the end of the hairdressing sessions the place looks like a cross between jail and a Buddhist Monastery.

I have no intention of sacrificing my individuality like that. I'm not joining the cult; the cult of 'relapse prevention', the cult of superfluous clapping, the cult of 'no drug bragging' and the cult of I have 'if only I had high self-esteem'. All this psychobabble and macho shit will not put a dent in my faggot-hot emo fringe.


I have my first full counseling session with Shirley. We sit under shelter by the pool. Mel sits in earshot.

I’m holding a cup of tea.
"A nice cup of tea?" Shirley asks me
"Yeah, its green tea” I said "for my skin"
"Your skin does look good"
"I used tinted moisturiser to hide the flaws"
"What flaws?"
"Like bags under my eyes"
"Luke, you don't have bags under your eyes"
"Shirley, you don't have bags under eyes. Your skin is lovely"
"Thank-you. You probably have to look after your appearance in your industry"
"I do. I have a facial nearly everyday. I use a mask"
"You use a mask?"
"Yeah I spend a fortune on my skin. It's one of the reasons I've just gone bankrupt. I have to be a little more cautious now I'm on Centrelink"
"Yes you do....but, Luke let me ask you a question. How comfortable are you with your sexuality?''
Okay, straight for the gay stuff, I guess she's just fishing.
"I like being gay, it annoys me when people just see me as 'the gay one' cause I think it’s only a small part of my personality"
"I can understand that Luke, I hate it when people just treat me like 'the black one'"
Okay, gay issue dealt with. Let's move on.
"Shirley one of the big issues I have in my life and something that always leads me to drug use is being rejected by guys. I don't understand why."
"What was your relationship with your parents like?"
“My Mum was over-protective and my dad was distant”
“Do either of your parents have a mental illness?”
“Yeah they both take medication for depression, why?”
“Often people who are perfectionists have parents with a mental illness”
“What’s the link”
“Um, they feel like they have to be perfect to get approval from their parents who are preoccupied with their problems”
“Ok, that makes sense”
“What about brothers or sisters?”
“I have one sister”
“And what’s your relationship with her like?”
“Good, she thinks all my problems stem from being a spoilt brat.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know I wasn’t made to vacuuming so I smoked pot instead”
“I see. Why do u think u started smoking pot and taking drugs?”
“To fit in”
“Why don’t u think u can do that without drugs”
“Um, I can be a little awkward”
“Awkward, so uncomfortable with urself?”
“Yep”
“Why?
“Probably because I was bullied a lot in high school”
“In what way”
“Everyway”
“Because of your sexuality?”
“I guess so”
“What else do u get out of it?”
“Well sometimes I flirt with disgusting old men just so they will give me drugs”
“Why?”
“I can’t afford the amount of drugs I need on an ABC salary”
“Why else?”
“I like the validation”
"So u were whoring yourself for validation?"
"Shirley, how dare you!" I say cracking up laughing "Are you calling me a whore, Shirley?''
Then she cracked up laughing.
“Oh my god, Luke u r funny. U whore”
"Well u know, I’m less concerned about being a whore than I am with dating 18 year olds. I want to stop dating 18 year olds. They are very pretty, but I always end up frustrated or just plain hurt?"
"Why do you think you date 18 year olds?"
''I'm not sure. I can’t work it out"
“Well what are they like?”
“Um, hot”
“Okay, so Luke do know the difference between love and lust?”
“I think so”
“So what kind of people are they?”
“Well one guy used to message other guys the minute I was out of the room and always ask me to buy him drinks, another guy was a drug addict, another one was a headcase who always got into fights. They were all uneducated boys from the wrong-side of the tracks”
“Ok. So they all need ur help?”
“Yeah I suppose”
“They all took ur help and this made u feel. What? Strong, smart, together, useful.”
“Yeah and they made me feel hot”
"Well, Luke knowing that both ur parents had a mental illness I would say you are used to looking after people. I think u dating younger guys because you like being the saviour. You don’t think people will love you for being you, so you have to offer something extra - like helping someone fix their life. You like the damsel in distress, the cute little boy who will look up to you. Luke, 18 year old boys are at a stage where sex is really important to them - that's all they care about. That of course means its good that you are attractive to them, but you don't need to offer anybody anything more than just you. When you get out of here watch how you start to attract different people, you might even start dating a 40 year old...who knows"
"Don't say things like that Shirley or I'll leave"
She cracks up laughing.
The session ends
"U r a wonderful person, Luke"
"U r a wonderful person, Shirley" I said and I meant it "and you've got cool eye make-up"

I feel a little flattered by how nice Shirley is. I can’t help but think perhaps she was projecting her own good character on to me. A saviour? Me? I just liked having a bitch hanging off me. I just liked having a teenage boy to show off and fuck, simple as that.

Meanwhile Mel continues her clinginess and her touchiness. It starts to make me sick. I continue hiding in the villa.

She reaches over in feelings check again and touches my face.

I’ve had enough.

I go to see a counsellor about it. The first one I bump into is a pretty young woman named Corinne.

I tell her about the face-touching and hugging. I say I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, so I won’t say who it is.

"I have some idea who you are talking about, Luke. She won’t get into trouble, but it allows her counsellor to help her"
"Ok, it’s Mel"
"I thought so, we have observed her invading people's space, and she needs to learn boundaries"
"I feel bad telling her to stop"
"Luke, you have a right to tell her to stop. That's your personal boundary. All you need to say is that you don't like being touched, you’re not that sort of a person"


That all makes sense. But I still feel guilty; it wasn’t really her fault that I didn’t like being touched. It would really hurt me if somebody said that to me. Then again, I was sick of people touching me when I didn’t want to be touched and being scared to say anything.


I’m back at the villa, hiding and Stan the old cannabis addict comes back from his psychiatrist appointment.

He’s distressed.

"I wanted to run away, buy some pot and never come back to rehab again" he says.

His left leg was bouncing on the spot uncontrollably.

"It’s the same psychiatrist who once gave me electric shock therapy. It didn’t work, now he’s saying the stuff that I went through as a child may never heal. I may never recover from the awful stuff I’ve experienced"

And there he sits. In rehab, with yellowed teeth and involuntary nervous twitching. He’s suffering. He’s searching for answers in psychiatry, in God and in cannabis and is finding nothing but despair.

I think again of Geoff's pock-holed face. I suppose the therapist was right. Sometimes the mind and the heart are damaged so much that they can never be repaired no matter how much we tell ourselves that 'we are wonderful'. Some of us will just never be completely ok.

At feelings check Stan sits with his eyes shut, rocking back and forth. A trip to the psych ward seemed to be brewing.

He stood up randomly and started yelling at Damien

"I'm sick and tired of your cynicism" he says to poor Damien who had actually been sitting there in silence.
"I didn’t know I was being cynical" Damien says searchingly.
"Yeah well I'm sick of it"

Stan sits back down, shuts his eyes and starts rocking back and forth.

One of the counsellors comes in and takes him away into another room.

Damien turns to me and said "37 years of smoking pot. It's quite sad isn't it? Its any wonder he's feeling all sorts of pain right now"

Mel walks in.

"Can I talk to you?" she asks me.
Oh fuck. We walked outside.
"I'm not accusing you of anything Luke but did I offend you by touching you"
"Look Mel, I'm just not a touchy-feely person, it’s my personal boundary"
I was hoping cult talk would ease the blow.
"I'm sorry" she says and then strangely put her hand on my leg!?!

Feelings check starts and she brings it up; "I don't want anyone to feel guilty but I feel really bad right now"
Ouch.

I go back to my villa and I fall asleep. I dream I am being following by a wombat at golf course. It’s cute and silly. I walk across a road. "Oh shit, its going to follow me". I don’t want it follow me, I went out my way to make the cars aware of the wombat. It made to the other side, but I’m still not wasn’t sure if it’s going to be safe.

Then I’m awake.