Chapter 17 - Quiet Voices

Final feelings check. I say I am leaving in the morning. I tell everyone how much I’ve changed. I say it was the best experience of my life. I say I’ve learnt lots and lots. I say I cried over things that happened to me 15 years ago. I say that sometimes the nicest people are the angriest. I say drug abuse is a form of anger.

The guys in villa 2 say they are sad to me go. They tell me I'm a good bloke and that I was fun to have around. They tell me I am good at Bolivian Tennis.

Renee comes up to me.

"I'm sorry we had that fight" she says
"Yeah, I didn't mean for it to get so out of control" I concede
"I forgive u Luke cause I know what u said didn't come from u, it came from the Devil"

I smile at Renee. I hug her. She thinks if someone disagrees with her it must be the work of evil. I hug her tightly; she's more lost that just about anyone in here.

"I made something for you' she says.

She hands me a giant piece of cardboard that's in the shape of the ABC swirl.

"I cut it and decorated it and I got everyone to sign it"

I look it. She has taken a lot of care in making it. It's perfect.

I turn it around. There are signatures all over it. People write to stay strong and stay safe and say that "I'm a lovely person". Some people have written their phone numbers along with their message.

"U will be sorely missed around here, Luke. U will leave a big gap in Logan House when ur gone"

"Renee, I don't know what to say"

"It's ok, Luke, ur my friend. I love my friends"

I hug her again and I walk off and I feel a bit embarrassed. I ripped this girl to shreds the other day and now she's done one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

Sam walks up to me.
"I did it" he says
"Did what?"
"I walked up to Mel and said 'fashion police, this is a road block'. Then I told her that the way she dresses is fucking shit, that she has no sense of color or style and she put some make-up on"
"What did she say?"
"She laughed at first, and then I told her I wasn't joking. Then she stormed off"
"Oh lord Sam"
"Well I got sick of bitching about her dress sense, I thought she should know what everyone thinks of the shithouse fucking clothes she wears everyday"
"Sam, r u ready to go?"
"Yeah I am, I'm leaving in two days. I am going to be moving with two chicks and I am going to go to Church and get a job and sell my music"
"And drugs?"
"I'm over it. I've found a new life. I might have a drink every now and then, but that's it"
"And Sam, u might be a bitch but I don't think ur a sociopath"
"Make sure u catch up with me when ur out"
"I will mate, I will"

And he hugs me. And I hug him back. And I realise that guys can have friendships just as deep and just as weird as females do.

Morning and it's my last day. The Lorikeets fly in to be fed. The guys all outside the villa and smoke and throw bread and the birds. I say goodbye. I scan the property one last time. I look over the mountains and the paddocks and the river.

Britney Spears does not go to this rehab. This rehab has changed my life.

Shirley comes to say goodbye.

"Remember who u are, Luke, ur a confident, outgoing, outspoken person. U r most likeable when u r just being urself. Never forget that"

I get in the retard bus and the counselor drives off. We drive out the driveway. I'm free and with freedom comes responsibility. With freedom comes heartache and rejection and pain and not getting what u want and work and alarm clocks and annoying people and crazy people and friends who drive u crazy. I remind myself that everything outside of myself is out of my control, but I will always have me. I will always have my essence.

The counselor drops me at the station.

"Good luck, mate, I'm sure you'll be fine"
"I hope so"
"Hey, did u hear about what happened to Jarrod? I suppose u haven't. We only found out this morning"
"No, what, I can only imagine"
"He snuck off yesterday afternoon and got his hands on some drugs and he overdosed. He's dead"
"Jarrod's dead"
"Yeah, bloody sad isn't it?"
"It's awful. It's truly fucking awful"

The counselor drives off. I'm waiting for the train. Jarrod I'm sure would have just been trying to turn the voices off in his head.

Some of us are lucky, some of us can douse our demons - some of us can learn to keep our darkness under control. Jarrod couldn't. The only way he could kill his demons was to kill himself as well.