Chapter 16 - Too much ACID and the Apocalypse

Classes start again. We talk about overcoming anxiety and how to have positive self esteem. I feel a little bit over it but in a good way. I feel my essence for fleeting little moments during the day.

Things in rehab go on pretty as normal. We have a new guy Christos come in who sits up all night laughing at nothing and says that bugs and ants came from a different planet. Apparently he knew this because he visited that planet.

I organise a performance night to replace to old, patronising games night. It goes well. I hosted it and ran the whole thing to success. Five people come up to me and thank me afterwards. People sang songs, read poetry and did stand up comedy. It was beautiful.

“Don't overlook the magnitude of what you have done,” Sam says “You empowered so many people tonight.”

I am in fine form right now. I actually think I like being me.

I am starting to feel that I will be ready to go very soon. Maybe even in a week. But I had to convince Shirley; I needed her to give a reference to my work so I could get my job back.

Most of all, I want to test myself in the real world. I want to leave the cult.

Classes. We talk validation and invalidation. I make a list of invalidations in my life. Stuff like “you’re being dramatic” and “you lack common sense”. Shirley says invalidations were the key to understanding your self-esteem.

Renee says she has lots of invalidations in her life. She starts weeping in class; she says she was always told she wasn’t as good as her sisters who have professional careers. She said her Dad told her she deserved to be beaten up by her boyfriend when she was pregnant. She said she was the scapegoat in her family.

“You have to let all this stuff out, Renee” Shirley says.

After class Renee came and sat next to me.

“Do u feel better?” I ask
“Yep, much better” she says
“That’s good, u seem a lot more together than when I first met u”
“What was I like?”
“Neurotic”
Rachel laughed and patted me on the shoulder
“Really, what else”
“Well to be honest, Renee I thought of u as a flakey hippie chick, but I dont think that now”
“A flakey hippie chick, how funny”
“Dont worry, I dont put people in boxes now”
“Let me show u a picture”

Renee went and got a photo of herself. She was 18 in the photo, fresh skinned, beautiful, with bright red hair and tripping off her face on ACID.

“There's a flakey hippie 4 u” she says
“U r gorgeous Rachel” I says
“Thanks, I WAS gorgeous and I want to thank-you for being a friend”
“Rachel, I do really like u” now was the time to bring it up “And y'know Ive never been friends with a Christian Fundamentalist before”
“That's really good, Luke, the bible means everything to me”
“I respect that Rachel, but I've had some bad experiences with Christian Fundamentalists. My ex-partner's Mum was a fundamentalist. She refused to accept his homosexuality. She took to a school to convert him to being straight. He was gay thru and thru and never had a heterosexual thought in his mind. Being told he was just wrong destroyed him. He felt like he was a mistake. He cut his wrists, he tried to kill himself”

“Well I think that's awful” she says “People sometimes take the bible out of context”

“Yeah well, she once said 'dont make me choose between u and the bible' to her own son”

“I think that's fanaticism” Renee says

“So Renee that's why it worries me when people tell me they are a fundamentalist”

“Christianity has made me such a better person, Luke”

“I understand that, it's just that I went to a Christian High School and I believe the bible is part fact and part mythology. The bible is a sacred text, but it is not to be taken literally”

“Your wrong, Luke”

“No Renee that is my perspective and u have ur perspective”

“No I have the bible's word”

I could feel myself start to get annoyed.

“There's a massive circularity in what ur saying Rachel. How do you know the bible is true, because it says that in the bible? You are going around in circles. I understand the idea of faith, but faith needs to start where reason finish – it doesn’t need to negate reason. I think biblical literalism is a massive error in thinking”
“The bible is the word of God, I dont say that – the bible says that”
“Ok fine, so what do u think about homosexuality?”
“I dont judge anyone, I dont have a problem with people of the same sex having partners, but I think sex between two men in unnatural”
“In what way?”
“God created Adam and Eve, that's just how our bodies work”
“Guys have a prostate gland up their arse”
“Yeah so it feels nice to poo”
“And vaginas were meant for pissing”
“Girls dont get fucked in their urethra”
“And girl’s dont have a prostate gland up their arse. If we take your reasoning Renee that would mouths are meant for head jobs”
“Luke we are all sinners”
“Rachel, I think homosexuality would meet the criteria because it doesn’t hurt anyone”
“Prostitution doesn’t hurt anyone in that sense and that's a sin”
“Prostitution does hurt the prostitutes themselves. I'm talking about sex between two adults who love each other very much”
“What more do u want me to say Luke?”
“Nothing I'm simply explaining my perspective, Rachel and that is Fundamentalism is the cause of so much hatred and suffering in this world”
“I dont known what else to say, Luke, the bible has given me so much strength. I know I have unconditional love from God the father”
“How do u know God is even a man?'
“Cause the bible says that”
“Well I think God is in my soul, Rachel and God is so awesome it would be beyond gender”

I think about the warm glow I'd had in my chest the other day

“God is all around us, God is in us, God is massive and unknowable”
“That's New Age crap Luke”
“Well from the sounds of things Renee, God is the father u never had in the real world. He is the person who gives u unconditional love”
“Ok Luke, I can tap into the Holy Spirit but I can't be perfect like God”
“That's right, we are both imperfect and that means your interpretation of the bible is imperfect”
“Yes, but I’m not interpreting the bible, I'm just reading the facts”
“You can never escape your own interpretation, you can escape culture, you can’t escape social conditioning, and you cannot escape the limitations of human intellect. You have to admit that not only about Ur own interpretation, but also about the people who wrote the bible itself”
“No Luke”
“Yes Renee, u r drawing conclusions from what u r reading. There is no escaping that. Where does it even say anything in the bible about two women sleeping together – that's a conclusion uve drawn and therefore it could be wrong”
“It's Gods word, it can’t be wrong”
“Circularity again, Renee. I wonder if Ur not just craving certainty and dogma in your life. It’s a bit arrogant to assume your opinions are as omnipotent as God itself.
“Luke, I'll say this again. I know my spirituality is good for me because Ive become such a great person since I started to read the bible”

Now I am mad.

“Renee, the whole time I have been in rehab, uve bitched about people, uve pushed people out, uve abused people and u slept with a guy out of wedlock. Lots of people in here dislike u because Ur so dogmatic. Uve been a drug dealer, u r a drug addict, uve had ur kids taken off u, ur fucked up, u have fucked up literalist beliefs. Its all part of being the screwed up bitch u r today”

“Ur attacking me” she says
“I'm attacking you because your beliefs are what cause wars, terrorism and gay teenagers to kill themselves”
“So I'm now being blamed for all the sins in the world?”
“Renee I'm not blaming u personally. I'm saying that its thinking like yours that leads to so much evil in the world”
“Dont attack me just because uve had bad experiences with fundamentalists, were not all the same you know. I see the devil coming into some fundamentalists as well and making them do bad things”
“Fundamentalism is the work of the devil itself”
“No, my Christianity gives me certainty and the feeling that I'm being loved”
“I respect that and I’m not trying to take that away from u”
“Well u can’t”
“But I just hope one of Ur sons doesn’t grow up to be gay”
“Why?”
“Cause it would be a massive spiritual violation for him to have a mother with fucked-up views like yours”
“If my son was a murder I would still love him”
“Yeah, but homosexuality isn’t murder. It doesn’t harm anyone. It’s a form of love”

Things are getting a little personal. Renee stands up.

“Fine, u ask God urself” she says pointing to the sky
“Renee ur starting to sound like a psychotic now. Uve run out of things to say, so Ur asking me ask the clouds?”
“And how dare u Luke bring my kids into this?”
“How dare u equate murder with homosexuality?”
“Stop attacking me”
“Ur thinking is highly screwed-up Renee- bottom line -facts are different from opinions and Ur opinions are bizarre and hypocritical”
“I'm not changing my mind, Luke; I am just repeating God's word”
“Ur thinking kills teenage boys Renee – that is a fact”
“How dare u say that to me?”
“It’s a fact Renee, not an opinion”
“I’m going now” she says
“Good, my advice to u Renee is for God's sake get an education and stop thinking like a bloody redneck”
“I'm not a redneck; one of my kids is half-black”
“Renee u think that penis goes in vagina and that's all there is too it. That's how an uneducated redneck thinks”
“Wateva” she said walking off and tears welling up in her eyes
“God and ur opinions are too very different things Renee, u fucking genius, and u”

I feel great and I am shaking. Did Indeed to get that off my chest or what?

I go back to the Villa and tell Jimmy.

Renee should know better than to fuck with the alpha poof.

A few hours later and I see her weeping at the table outside her villa.

“Uve really upset her Man” Jimmy says "u should really go and talk with her"
“That's not my problem Jimmy; she needs to sort her own shit out”

And that's exactly how I feel, I've suffered enough homophobia in my life – her dogmatic views and inability to defend them are quite simply- not my fucking problem.

I have my 8th counseling session with Shirley. I have to convince her to give me clearance to go after 8 weeks, instead of the 12.
“I'm ready, Shirley” I say “Ive discovered my soul”
“That’s wonderful, u dont need me anymore”
“Will u tell my work that?”
“I can tell them that, I can say uve been traveling well and that uve experienced significant personal growth and insight. I will tell them that uve changed Ur beliefs and the way u see urself. I will them about your increase in self-confidence and Ur increase in self-esteem. I will them how u ran the performance night and how successful it was”

“That would be amazing Shirley”

“U have gained a great deal of insight, Luke. U dont need me anymore. I can look at u and say u dont have any major issues. There is nothing really wrong with u Luke. U have a few issues, but so does everyone”
“Well Shirley, I think dealing with the high school stuff, My Mum and guilt, my sexuality and boundaries. These were massive things”
“See Luke, u dont need me anymore” she said in a mock whiney tone
“And Shirley, I feel like I have a soul now”
Shirley grins
“And I feel for others, but I can shut it off. Like the other day, I had a big argument with Renee the other day and I haven’t stewing over it”
“Another boundary issue, Luke, but in a good way”
“Yeah I just think that her fundamentalism is a part of her problem, not mine” I am baiting Shirley to agree with me
“That's right, if u took that away from her she might just fall apart”
“I think the bible is part myth and part fact, u can’t take it all literally. I went to a Christian High School, I did expelled, but that’s what I learnt”
“Well ur just a shining example then aren’t u?”
“Shut-up Shirley”
“Sorry, Luke, but what’s with all this talk about religion? What does it mean for u?”
“Well I'm starting to feel a bit spiritual for the first time in my life”
“God is what u understand it to be Luke, it’s a way of making meaning”
“R u religious Shirley”
I knew I was crossing a line by asking that question
“Yes, not big-time literalist, but I am”
“So Ur Christian?”
“No, Luke, I'm a Moslem”

Oh my god, Shirley is a Moslem? I would never have picked that.

“Ur a Moslem really?”
“Yes”
“Do u do prayers and Ramadan?”
“I do Ramadan, but not the prayers. Some Moslems would think it’s a sin for me to wear t-shirts to work, but for me God is about love – plain and simple”
“I dare u to wear a Burka to work”
“Luke it’s bad enough being seen as a black person without doing that”

For some strange reason that sets me off. Not Shirley as well! What if she has moral objections to homosexuality???

“Shirley Y’know homosexuals in many Islamic countries are beheaded”
“That's right, it’s hypocritical. Authorities will look over women being raped, but will publicly stone gay men”
“U r such an interesting lady Shirley, but do u think homosexuality is immoral?”
“No, I believe that God has a plan for u and part of that plan is that Ur gay”
I am not satisfied with that
“But does that mean u would be opposed to sleeping with a woman urself”
“Not on religious grounds, I just dont feel like it”:
“I dont blame u Shirley, men r good”
“That’s it, see Luke I am complex and different just like u”
“Shirley I just want to say I’m not just telling u what u want to hear. I have boundaries; I may even have a soul. I will not be taking drugs ever again. I will not poison my soul”
“I'm going to cry like a baby because u dont need me anymore” she says “Luke, more and more people are taking drugs and they are getting younger. It is a crisis in our society”
“Why do you think more people are taking drugs?”
“Um....I think society has become too individualised. Society is fragmenting, community is breaking down, people are lonely. Young people take drugs to stop feeling bad and too fit in”
“That's really interesting Shirley. Loneliness is an awful feeling. Ur own sense of self can be lost when u try to overcome feeling lonely”
“Dont forget that, Luke, and dont forget you’re just wonderful as u r. Dont isolate urself.”
“Well I know I dont feel isolated for being gay anymore”

The session ends. I go to the gym. I tell Sam I am leaving in a week. He says he will leave with me

Sam sits starting ahead
“Now I can do all the stuff Ive wanted to do, but Ive been too scared of getting kicking out”

He puts down his dumbbell and heads off. It was a sociopath on a mission - a hilariously frightening prospect given his slight lack of ability to feel empathy.