Chapter 10 - The Queen of Prickles

Classes. We have to write a list of our strengths and weaknesses. We have to write down a list of people we admire. We write down how our life will look in 5 years time if we give up drugs and how it will be if we don't give up drugs. I think u have to want stuff in everyday, waking life in order to give up drugs and I decide that I do want stuff. I want a good job, I want a relationship, and I want financial security. I guess I always wanted those things and when they didn't come that's when I got smashed all the time.

"Drug's wont kill ur day job" as the song goes.

We have to write a poem about why we are addicted to substances I read mine out;

It's there, It's there
All Over
It doesn't matter anyway
I only Love U
u Fucking Porcupine

Don't leave me tho - I didn't mean that
It's there and then its not
it's there and then its not
Snap! It's gone and you were gone
And your there and then your not

Don't worry tho
I only miss u
cause nothing else matters
Its actually kind of funny
Your there Porcupine and then your not

I chuckle as u make me bleed
Spinning around inside me
Snap! Hello, I'm not alone anymore
Your there and then your not
Prickles, they come and then they go

Everyone claps.
Damien tells me I'm deep.

Lee puts up his hand
"Luke, I really enjoyed that. I just want to share with people that I started to take drugs after I was in business with my partner and it fell apart. Well he was ripping me off. Our business was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. We were living it up in Malaysia. I was once the youngest person in Malaysia to have an MBA and was going to be a huge business person I thought. Then one day I got up and he was gone and he had taken all my money and I had nothing. All I did with the money was left over was gamble and smoke meth"
"That's awful, Lee" Shirley says "I can understand why u must be very angry"
"I am"
"Abusing substances can be a form of anger. When u can't express something, u turn it inward, u abuse urself through drugs"

After class and I have another counseling session with Shirley.
"How r u?"
"Lonely"
"Why?"
"Because I am missing having sex"
"Ok, why does that make u feel lonely?"
"Not sure. But I tried to get a bit before I came in, I had an orgy with 7 guys"
"7 guys, wow, I'm learning new stuff all the time. Did u enjoy it?"
"It was ok"
"What is it Luke, do u feel part of the beautiful people when have these orgies?" she asks me.
"In some ways"
"How often do u have these orgies?"
"A few times in the last year. Once I screwed six guys in one night, I had another orgy with two girls and a guy, then another with two girls and another with 2 guys".
"What do u get out of it"
"I don't know experimentation. I broke up with my partner and I wanted to have every sexual experience I could think of. I even dated a tranny for a while, she spent half the week as a boy and half the week as a girl. The only sexual experience I've never had is one-on-one with a girl"
"Well that would be adventurous wouldn't it?"
"Not at all. I think that's my point"
"Luke, do u have sex because ur lonely sometimes?"
"Well, yeah, of course. I had been in a relationship for 6 years and so that was my life. That got taken away from me and I felt like I had nothing"
"Why did it end?"
"Cause I was doing everything. I was the only one working, I was paying all the rent, I was organising his life as well as mine. I was exhausted. I wanted to do things with my career and I couldn't cause I had to look after him all the time. So I thought it would be nice to find a nice professional gay man in his thirties who I could lean on a bit"
"And you didn't meet Mr. Right?"
"Actually the first guy I was interested in was a loser on a disability pension. He came from the roughest area in Melbourne and was a moron"
"Why was he on disability?"
"He had ADHD"
"See Luke u like having someone u can look after"
"Yeah well, I went nuts over this guy. I was texting him all the time and he only text me like every tenth time back. I even waited outside his one night. I sent him flowers and bottles of wine and he just ignored me"
"So u were stalking him?"
"No"
Shirley looks at me.
"Maybe a little bit, but he was giving me mixed messages. When I sent the flowers and he didn't respond, I want crazy. I started cutting myself, I was crying all the time at work, nothing else seemed to matter"
"It's because of low self-esteem Luke. U need to love urself. U were looking for validation from him to tell u that u were ok, but u r ok, u don't need a partner to tell u that."
"The most frustrating thing Shirley was working out why I was attracted to this guy. I once told him I was a journalist and he didn't even know what a journalist was. That was like a relief because I'd worked so hard to get a good career and it like that didn't matter to him or something"
"Ur career was quite important to u, wasn't it"
"Ah, yeah, it was"
"What happened?"
"I don't know I was stuck in the same job for how ever long and it just seemed pointless"
"Pointless?"
"Yeah, it was like I thought I could change the world with journalism and the same issues just came up again and again. Then I thought I might become a radio presenter instead of a straight journalist, but doing talk radio is really hard to get into when ur my age"
"Did u try?"
"I did, but I gave up. I decided it was all about my ego"
"What do your parents think about your career?"
"Well, I am the only person in my extended family to go to University. I am the only one with a professional career. I think my parents were social climbers and they wanted to get out of their working class origins. I was like another way for them to ascend where they came from"
"Are they proud?"
"I don't know I assume so. I always felt like there was pressure on me to be the successful one, to be the one to make the family right after both my parents came from public housing"
"And have u?"
"I don't know, I just never feel like I'm good enough. I never feel like I've achieved enough"
"Luke, u need to stop looking for validation from everyone else. U need to accept and love urself. Ur problem is pure and simple, low self-esteem. The best thing u can do to improve ur self-esteem is make a list of everything u achieved. Then write down what that achievement says about u. Take full credit for these achievements, look at it and say 'I did this'. And what I would say about your ego, you are a deep person. You will always be driven by something deeper than ur ego. If u were on the radio, I would want to listen to u. Don't underestimate how much u like helping people, Luke"

I leave and I feel invigorated and angry. Angry at people at work, angry for worrying too much about other people's opinions, angry that I spent ages waiting for someone to tell me that yes I was good at my job and angry at myself for not loving myself more.

Afternoon class-time and we talk about aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. Renee leans over and tells me my 'necklace is disgusting as it is pretentious'. My necklace is a plastic bike attached to a bright-pink ribbon, it's high-fashion and it is magnificently ugly. Rachel tells me "there is a difference between fashion and style".

The attack on me being different is the last thing I need right now.

"I'm not sure if I think ur opinion is even worth listening to Rachel" I say as she sits staring at me with her plain brown singlet and green cotton pants "especially not when it comes to fashion"

Right on-cue and right on-topic Shirley says "Luke ur being aggressive"
"Not passive-aggressive?' I ask her
"No, ur saying to that person 'ur opinion is not valid'"
"And that's aggression?"
"It is"

Shirley comes and speaks to me.
"Luke that is one person’s opinion. We talked today about not taking on other people's opinions so much. Your BLING is unique, if u like it then wear it"

Too late, I am annoyed. I am annoyed that I am wearing high-fashion and some insecure bitch has to try and bring me down. That's how I always feel, that the minute I try and do something good or different someone will attack me.

Dont stand out from the crowd, U'll get crushed. Just be mediocre, just fit in. This seems to be the Australian way.

The aggression stuff gets me thinking. Hell if Shirley thinks that’s aggressive then I'm aggressive nearly all the time. And when I'm not I'm being passive-aggressive. I don't say things to people's faces when they piss me off - so I bitch about them, I spread rumors about them and I over-achieve to try and piss them off too.

Half-way thru my epitome and Jarrod walks into class. He's back. The schizophrenic is back and better than ever, we hoped. Everyone clapped.

I wonder where he went? I wonder why he's back? I wonder if he will go back to lying on the couch?

Monday night and it's games night and tonight we play limbo. Everyone plays. I finish second, the only person who could go lower was Beck and she used to be a pole dancer. I am happy with that.

After I am back at the villa. I sit with the boys outside.
"Guess what?" Wayne asks
"What?" is the collective response
"I fucked Christy"
"U what?" asks Sam
"I fucked Christy behind the chook shed"
This was a big risk. Fucking can get u kicked out.
"We know u like big, fat ugly bitches Wayne, but um, Christy. She must be the biggest, fattest, ugliest bitch in here"
"She was almost too fat for me, it took me half an hour to get it up"
"Did she have a hairy pussy?"
"Not hairy enough"
The thought of those two doesn't sit well with me. I go to bed and struggle to sleep.

Class-time again we learn about relaxation techniques.

Richard announces to class that he is a 'bipolar' bear. He says he is taking an anti-psychotic called Zyprexa and its made him feel fantastic.

A new woman named Sue tells everyone she has 'ADHD' and being the clever lady she is says "I already knew that" and then says cheerfully that "the Doctor thinks my son has it as well".

Break time. Lee comes and puts his arm around me
"I love gay people they are cool"
"Lee gay people are the biggest cunts on earth, wat r u talking about?"
"Every gay guy I have met has been great"
"Gay guys are damaged goods and they take their shit out one each other. Two people who have been bashed, teased, rejected trying to have a relationship together now that's fucking difficult"
"When did you first realise u were gay?" Beck asks me
"When I met u" I say
"Meow" she says
"I don't know Beck when I was about 10 or something, when did u first realise u were straight?"
"I don't know I just always did" she says
I hate this line of conversation.
"I knew u were gay from the moment u opened ur mouth" Matt says
"Really, why. In gay land, I am considered one of the butch ones"
"Your voice, the way you act, the way you smoke"
"My voice? I'm a professional broadcaster?"
"You say 'like' when you talk"
"I do not"
"You do"
I turn to the flakey hippie girl.
"Hey Renee, do u think I am obviously gay?"
"Luke, u talk like a fucking girl"
"How?"
"U just do, ur the stereotype"
"I'm not the stereotype, I'm just me"
I hate being more muscled, being able to fight and being better at sports than most men and still being considered less masculine that the next man.
Margie interjects.
"The thing about gay people is that they understand women"
"Actually Margie, a lot of gay men hate women. Look at drag queens"

I'm insulted and I go inside. Shirley is sitting, waiting for class to restart.
"Shirley was my sexuality obvious to u straight away?"
"It was"
"How?"
"They way you sit, they way you hold yourself, your voice"
"Shirley I actually dont feel different to anyone else in here"
"Luke, Damien doesn’t sit like that, Richard doesn’t sit like that"
I am glad I'm not paying u private therapy rates Shirley, uve just made me feel like a eunuch.

Shirley tells the class she has to go out this afternoon and Karen will be teaching us.

Karen has blonde hair, blue eyes, milky white skin and is, well, obese.

She's sweet. Sam doesn't seem to think so.

We learn about empathy. We learn about empathy as opposed to pity.

"Have u ever taken drugs?" Sam asks Karen
"No I haven't"
"They how can u possibly empathise with us?"
"I understand addiction?"
"Why because you've got a food addiction?"
"That's getting a bit personal, Sam"
"Well I object to being taught about drug addiction by somebody who can't control how much food they eat"
"Sam, I feel like ur attacking me. Why r u so angry?"
"Because I don't like fat people"
Jesus. I didn't see that one coming.
Sam stands up and walks out.

After class and the Director of the Clinic gets Sam from the villa.

He could be kicked out for that outburst.

He's gone for 2 hours. I hope he's not expelled. I liked having someone like him around for some reason.

He comes back.
"They put me on the phone to psych services"
"And?" I ask
“I've been diagnosed with an anti-social personality disorder” he says and then cracked-up laughing.
“Sociopathy?” I ask him
“Yeah, I'm basically a psychopath and I'm officially fucked up now, so I'm happy with that”
“Why did they say you were a sociopath”
“Cause apparently I'm impulsive, I'm aggressive, I have no concept of authority and I lack empathy?”
“Cause u criticised a staff member?”
“Seems that way”
“Well, I think u were a bit harsh on poor Karen. But U dont strike me a sociopath Sam, Ive met clinical sociopaths before, in fact Ive slept with socipaths before and u dont quite fit their mould”
“Well if I am a sociopath, I hope the condition gets worse and maybe I can kill someone”
“I dont think u r a sociopath, I would prefer to call u Sam the Mental Cunt”
He cracked up laughing.
"How about Mental fucker or Mental Bastard, would that suit u better?"
I go on “Ive been diagnosed as having a Borderline Personality Disorder, to that I say labels dont always work and also just, um, suck my dick”
“Yeah man, anything to settle people like us down” he said.
"Put us in a box and we are under control"
"I dont think I'll ever be under control" he says
My closest friend in here is officially a psychopath.
“Hey Sam, Ive got something that will cheer us up. I bought some Gingerbread people and some stuff to decorate them with. I thought we could make Transgender Gingerbread men. Well make two chicks with dicks and two guys with pussys and give them to the girls”
“Oh my god Luke that is brilliant”

We sit down at the Kitchen and start putting hundreds and thousands on the Gingerbread people.

“Y'know Sam I’m getting a bit sick of people treating me like a girl just cause I'm gay”
“I know man, ur not a Queen, I've got some friends who are total Queens. They are bitches. My best friend at high school is a real footy and car head, last year he came out and that shattered any illusions I had about what gay men are”
“Yeah I reckon I'm somewhere in between, not like a transgender Gingerbread man, but not a Queen or a Macho Man. I’m just me”
“Here's what I say, man, Here's a plan. Become King of the Queens, like say Boy George or Carl Cox. Get super-big and super-tough and you'll have Queens dripping off u. There's a guy in Thailand he was the national kickboxing champion, he was gay and he used to kiss the guys after he'd knocked them out”
“Funny shit, is he still fighting”
“No, he used the money to get a sex change operation. He's now a ladyboy”

We finish the Gingerbread Transgender People and give them to Christy and Margie who absolutely piss themselves laughing.

Feelings check Sam announces he is 'proud to be a sociopath'.

Everyone claps.

I yell out “U mental bastard” and.

After feelings check and Stan the old cannabis addict comes marching up to me

“What did you say to me? What did you say to me”

I walk straight up to him until I was right in his face.

“No Stan,I wasn’t talking to you. Ok so dont fucking yell at me”
“I can yell at anyone I like”
“No you cant and you wont be yelling at me”
He walks off.

Another weird encounter with another weirdo in rehab. It feels good to argue. Especially with Stan.